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(no subject) [Jan. 27th, 2011|05:21 pm]
i remember what it felt like.. when i realized that i hadn't thought about you in a while. fear. it was so unusual; you hadn't left my mind a day in years. since we met.

i was afraid because i know how bad i am at letting go. looking back at the memories you left me with - because i often feel like that's all i have left - i can't get them out of my head, no matter how hard i try. it would be easier if you hadn't hurt me.

i find myself wishing for things that don't exist anymore, that i couldn't possibly find anywhere on earth, because we're both older, we've seen a lot of places. we're not who we used to be, but memories have a way of making you feel like there's some way you can go back.

i still find myself doing things, with you in mind, even though you'll never know. i can't appeal to you anymore. yes, i have plenty of regrets about the way i did things. i was afraid, uneasy, needy. i wish that i could forget you. whoever said that it's better to have loved and lost is a fool trying to justify their holding on to pain. i wish that i had never met you. i don't think i'll ever have the capacity to let go.

i really, honestly, wish that i had never met you. you are the thorn in my side.
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ONE HUNDRED FORTY-ONE [Nov. 15th, 2008|12:32 am]
[Current Mood |bouncybouncy]

i've been spending too much time on the computer. i have to move it out of my room. i'll probably do that before i go to bed tonight.

old videos of me skating from this summer (august and september). it's possible that the second video is the last time i skated. actualy, i'm pretty sure it is. they're nothign special but it was the first time i had tried either trick and i got them both right away.

heelflip down a fourstair (i had never heelflipped down anything. sorry you can't see it well.)

boardslide the park rail.

random videos. i'm going to go to the park tomorrow and try to hustle some drinks for change, haha. and i'll be skating too. :D

oh good news, it's not a tumor. just sinuses.
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ONE-HUNDRED TWENTY-ONE [Sep. 14th, 2008|12:27 am]
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]

is anyone else's city completely out of gasoline at every freaking gas station?
thanks, ike.

can i not go to bed before 12?
thanks, fringe.

will this stupid guitar riff i wrote ever get out of my head? it's not even that good.
thanks, self.

why do cats have to miss the litter box sometimes?
thanks, yahfeh.

can my sins not be forgiven?
(thanks to Jesus)
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ONE-HUNDRED TWENTY [Sep. 12th, 2008|05:09 pm]
[Current Mood |amusedamused]

i have this looming sense of the "end of the world".

trib time, everybody! :D
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ONE-HUNDRED NINE [Jul. 28th, 2008|11:58 pm]
[Current Mood |accomplishedaccomplished]
[Current Music |hanson - fire on the mountain]

new today. i am purely Jesus Christ's.

(if this dominates your friend page and you want me to lj-cut it, let me know)
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ONE-HUNDRED EIGHT [Jul. 20th, 2008|01:17 am]
[Current Mood |distresseddistressed]
[Current Music |hanson - i will come to you]

"sometimes we don’t do things we want to do, so that others won’t know we want to do them."

but what if this thing i don't do, i don't do because i want the other to know that i don't want them to know i want to do the thing i don't do, so that they'll know i really want to do it, even though they probably won't ever know that i'm sending the message that i don't want them to know that i want to so that they'll know that i want to?

hmph. :(
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ONE-HUNDRED [Jun. 4th, 2008|10:54 pm]
[Current Mood |peacefulpeaceful]

it's about time i recount the past few days. this has to be a big entry, it's number one-hundred, come on man.

i'll start by saying my past few weeks have been unbelievably busy. in a good way, but it's been kind of difficult at the same time because i've had almost no time to get together with anyone to hang out.

as you all know, two weeks ago i got a car, which has been amazing. i've had so much freedom to have a life even though it's been consumed in work and whatnot. it's still been great, i can run errands when i need to and take care of my own affairs without having to wait for my mom to get home with her car. i made my first monthly payment on it to williejoe last week, it was exciting seriously.

so thursday i went to the turnaround. anne's brother rob rode with me in my car, just me and him, so it was good to get the time to spend with him and get to know him a little better. we got there and shanelle was there. if i haven't mentioned shanelle, she is a girl i met through anne, like she and anne are best friends and now she and i are too, we talk all the time and she actually led worship with me 2 weeks ago at the turnaround; she plays keyboard and sings. it was anointed and glorious. and that was all good.. service was good.. but oh man, afetrwards rob and shanelle and i and jennifer and (king) james all went out to robert's truck, with robert of course, and sat in the truck and worshipped and sought God for his glory and presence and whatnot and it happened. we all got indescribably messed up. and there was this smell.. i'm pretty sure it was God's fragrance, like we were smelling the Holy Spirit.. i don't really know how else to describe it but ever time i smelled it i got completely stoned out of my mind and actually collapsed on the ground a couple of times. it was incredible hahah. so that was glorious. rob and i went back to anniston finally about 1:30 in the morning, lol. good night.

saturday i went to montgomery with this guy derrick, his worship band was invited to play at this youth rally and he needed a bass player so he called me up about a month ago. saturday was the first practice we had, it was that morning and it actually went really well for the first practice. we drove down to montgomery that afternoon, set up there and practiced again and at one point shanelle showed up, she had driven over from auburn for the service. the service happened and it was good. worship was intense and real, and the dramas that the church's team did were pretty powerful. i loved it. after the service shanelle rode back to anniston with us and stayed the night at my house

shanelle and i went to church the next morning, and rob came too which was very exciting. i think the Lord both totally ministered to the both of them, it was awesome. after church we went to los mex and ate and chilled, me shanelle rob jeremiah derek ryan david mallory and.. i feel like there were others but i don't remember. then we went to books a million and hung out and prayed and whatnot, bravehart showed up and that was great cause i hadn't seen him in a few weeks. i missed him a lot. then shanelle and i went to byron and tasha's house, we prayed witht hem and tyler, and some crazy stuff was happening, i won't go into details. it was pretty good though, i think.

after that shanelle and i went back to my house to get our things, i packed and drove us down to her place in auburn and stayed the night there. the ride there was great though we were both tired, we put on some worship music and got depp in God's presence, then when we arrived at her house we put it on int he house and worshipped and danced in her living room. it was rad. after that a couple of the japanese guys she's friends with came over and we watched this movie about Joseph from the old testament. i fell asleep on the couch at one point and woke back up, and we decided to turn the movie off. i ende dup going to sleep accidentally about 1:30 and it turned out that they were there up and talking til about 4:30 of 5. insane. i slept through all of it, even them leaving. the japanese boys promised they are gonna come to the turnaround tomorrow though which will be exciting cause they need to get dominated by the Spirit of God! yep.

the next morning (monday if you're not keeping up) i woke up around 8:45, read the Word for about half an hour, then fell back asleep. woke up again at 10:15 and sat around for a while, played some n64, then finally around 11 i went to wake shanelle up. she and i cooked breakfast together, we has eggs with sausage and cheese in them, fried sausage, biscuits, and strawberries with powdered sugar. excellent breakfast if you ask me; we did a mighty fine job. then she got ready for class and i took her there and dropped her off. she gave me her keys to come back to her house and get cleaned up but when i got there i COULD NOT figure out how to get the door opened; none of the keys were working. so i drove to burger king to use the bathroom, came back and tried again for about fifteen more minutes, then left to go to walmart then pick shanelle up about 2:30. we went back to her place and showed me the trick to her lock, it's real screwy. i took a shower then took her to pay her power bill, then we went back to her house so she could get a shower. my friend emma was supposed to be coming through auburn about this time so i texted her to find out where she was but it turns out she had had a wreck in montgomery so she couldn't come. sad, we were going to go get dinner together. so after shanelle got ready i packed up my things and we went to this chinese place that has a sushi bar, down the street from her house. it was awesome, we found out that the lady who was our waitress was a Christian, and she was really sweet and fun to talk to.she took a picture with my camera of shanelle and i with our BEAUTIFUL plates of sushi, and let me tell you, that sushi was amazing. haha. she told me when i was leaving that i had to bring her the pictures for the sushi chef dave, so i'll do that next time i'm in auburn. haha.

after the sushi we drove an hour to montgomery to pick up shanelle's car from the church we had left it at, and it was cool becaue we ran into some of the poeple who were there at the service saturday so we got to talk to them and hear about what's going on in the future. they want to have us come back so, that's really exciting! i can't wait. shanelle and i then drove to her aunt's house right down the road and i got to meet her aunt who is really sweet and nice, and he little cousin Ivy, she has my last name for her fist name. how cool! i spent a while there hanging out with her and her aunt, before finally leaving at 9:30, and boy it was sad to leave. after an amazing weekend like that, i tas pretty bummed. got back home about 12:30 and crashed in bed.

woke up the next morning at 7:55 to be at work at 8:30, and was honestly feeling terrible all morning. not sickly or tired or anything, just sad and unhappy to be back at work after such a great weekend filled with GLORY with God's people. there's a lot of openly athiest people at my work, and a lot of lukewarm or fake or double-minded Christians. only a few people really serve God. and as soon as i got there, one of the guys started asking me what was wrong with me to which i told him about my weekend, and about shanelle, so he started making comments about her and i being together and despite my telling him that we're not interested in each other like that, he kept insisting that it was gonna happen. i was getting irritated and blah, made my morning just a little bit worse. shanelle is a very amazing lovely girl but we're completely just friends, and so it was kind of annoying. and all morning long i was just having a hard time being around people, cause they're all pretty unrighteous.. my coworkers, anyways. so finally, the same guy (who is a double minded christian; puts on his holy face in front of me and takes it off in front of everyone else) walks past me and says "i'm sorry you're having a bad day man, i feel for you. i'm believing in Jesus name that God is going to lift your spirits." and that was it, he left. part of me was thinking "who is this guy to try to say something like that?" but most of me overcame that and started thinking "wow he's right, i'm not taking any kind of refuge in the Lord at all. i need to get there." so from that moment on i spent the rest of the day with the Lord. and not too long after that one of my coworkers came in who is a Christian and that made things a lot easier. it was a great day after that. i was cleaning theaters and my manager had the theater music that plays in the lobby and theaters before movies start turned off because it's terrible and annoying. so iwas singing at the top of my lungs in the theaters while i was cleaning them by myself, worshipping the Lord, and the Spirit of god filled every theater i was in. it was glorious.

got home and watched the season finale of LOST with my mom. and CRAP IT WAS SO GOOD/CRAZY/FRUSTRATING/INTENSE/AMAZING! i can't wait for season 5. went to my room, tyler called me and we talked for about half an hour before i fell asleep on the phone and i slept for about an hour, then shanelle called me and woke me up and we had a good conversation for about an hour. she's one of the very few people i can talk to on the phone for a long time. i enjoy it a lot.

woke up this morning and relaxed for my first real off-day in two weeks where i didn't have anything planned. slept in til about 10:30 and got up, took a shower, layed around the house and whatnot. around noon i left to go run some errands, dropped off the roll of film i had finished up in auburn at walmart, and then bravehart and i went out to lunch and whatnot. it was so good to hang out with him again for a substantial time, it was fun. he's definitely one of my closest bros. after that he and i went to circuit city to meet my mom at the verizon outlet there. and basically what happened is that she haggled with them and threatened to take business elsewhere until they gave her a free phone and gave me an even more expensive phone for almost nothing. it was gnarly, she kicked butt haha. so i now have the LG enV. it's bad to the bone. after that ben and i went to church, adn our youthgroup went to see narnia:prince caspian. it's the third time i've seen it, and each time i see it God reveals more about Himself to me through it. it's so good. aghhh. i'll probably write a whole separate entry about it later.

so now i'm home and have been playing with my new phone and talking to shanelle on facebook, and i'm super excited about the turnaround tomorrow night. it's going to be BALLIN'''''. that's all i have to say about that. it's going to be good. i think tomorrow will be tasha's first night back playing with us, and we're going to have a big crew coming from town; rob, derek, this guy tommy, david, byron, myself, tasha, lily, possibly emily and sydney, candace.. lots. glory will happen. :)

pretty soon i hope to teach david to play bass; he already has one he just needs to learn how to play with our group. so when that happens, i'm going to start playing electric guitar. THAT will be awesome :)

so all in all it's been an incredible week. God has been doing tremendous things and blessing me.. well, beyond measure :) but now it's time for me to go to sleep, i have to be at work at 9:45 and i want to go pick up my photos before then. if you actually read all of this, i love you. chances are that i probably love you anyways. but still. :) goodnight!
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NINETY-EIGHT [May. 27th, 2008|10:39 pm]
for everyone who asked for before and after pictures:

most recent of beardage, about a week ago.

and afterCollapse )
also, mallory this is for you.Collapse )
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NINETY-FIVE [May. 18th, 2008|04:52 pm]
[Current Mood |jubilantjubilant]

You have paid it all, all to You i owe.
sin had left a crimson stain, You washed it white as snow.

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88.5 [May. 6th, 2008|12:37 am]
also, sorry i haven't been commenting anybody lately. i have a lot of catching up to do. i have been reading, and i still love all of you.
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